Prone to sealing in the past, as I was taught by my father when I was a young teenager, it was not too difficult a habit to pick up when I was separated from my husband as an adult and had two children to raise. Filled with hundreds of forms of fear at the news that my husband no longer loved me and that he would be seeking a divorce, I panicked. Instead of turning to God, as I was learning to do in my three years of recovery, I instead turned to my own devices, my old habits.
Pocketing that first fist full of cash, was an exhilarating relief that quieted my fears. However, I did not know what the act of thievery would rob from me and my character until I ceased the behavior many years later.
It took from me my pride, dignity and, my integrity. It stole from me of a feeling of deep pleasure and satisfaction derived from my own achievements, and all the qualities that are widely admired in an honest person. It removed from me the quality of being worthy of honor and respect from myself and others, as well. Finally, it separated me from my wholeness, and my ability to be unified with my fellow man.
Recently, I was accused of stealing, and I reacted without guilt as I was not guilty of the act I was accused of, this time. However, I did feel a wave of shame, as this is the person I once was in the past. I also realized that the shame was caused by the amends that God had put on my heart recently, and I had not yet made.
Today, I ask God to give me boldness to be the person He wants me to be and that I have not strived for in the past. God give me courage to love myself as you love me, so that I may indeed, be true to myself.